NASCAR JOKES
Did you hear that Rusty Wallace is getting a new crew chief from China? His name is Win-Won Soon.
What does WALLACE stand for? We All Look Like A**es Chasing Earnhardt.
How can you tell when a Gordon is going to say something intelligent? He starts out with "My wife Brooke said......"
Did you hear that Rusty Wallace has a new sponsor next year? The sponsor will be Puffs PLUS.
What happened when Jeff Gordon locked his keys in the car? It took him a half an hour to get Brooke out.
How about Ernie Irvan's new job at the candy factory, working quality control, throwing away all the M&Ms that say "W"? He doesn't eat M&Ms himself... He says they're too tough to peel.
Mark Martin was arrested today for breaking and entering. Seems he broke into the Local Cheverolet dealership. When asked why he would do such a thing he replied, "I was just trying to see what the front end of a Monte Carlo looks like!"
When Davey Allison went to heaven, he was met at the gate by Alan Kulwicki. Behind Alan, Davey could see the #7 and #28 cars. Alan said "Man this place is great. The cars are setup perfect!" Then Davey saw the #3 car and exclaimed "Oh No! Not Dale too!" Alan said "No, THAT'S the car God races!"
I had an experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went on my first racing outing. Everything was going fine until the car starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown into the wall. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the gas pedal. The car went out of control, I could not get to the brake, in the grass, up in the wall back down across the track, the car did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the WalMart manager came and unplugged it.
The world's biggest NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. When he arrived he found himself the best seat at the most fabulous track he'd ever seen. There he saw Alan Kulwicki and Davey Allison racin' side by side in 1&2. Down in 3&4 he saw Tim Richmond and Neil Bonnett doin' the same, when all of the sudden the rainbow colored #24 streaked by. 'OH NO!' exclaimed the man, when did this happen? St. Peter replied, 'don't worry, that's God, he just likes to think he's Jeff Gordon!' Then the yellow #23 Camel Ford came flying by and tapped the left rear quarter panel of God's car spinning him out in a cloud of smoke. "What was that!!!" exclaimed the man... "Oh", said St. Peter, "that was the Devil... he likes to think he's Jimmy Spencer..."
A man walks into a bar with his dog. A Winston Cup race is on a TV. He sits down and asks how Terry LaBonte is doing. The bartender says "Terry LaBonte is in 25th". The dog jumps up, and runs around the barstool 25 times. A couple of laps later, the bartender says "Terry is up to 10th". The dog jumps up again and runs around the barstool 10 times. A few laps later, the bartender says "Terry is up to 3rd", after which the dog again jumps up and runs around the barstool 3 times The bartender says "WOW!! That dog is amazing!! What does he do if LaBonte wins?" "I don't know", says the man, "I've only had him a year and a half!"
"Die" hard fan.... It's the Super Bowl of Motorsports, I go to my seat, Way up top of the Winston Tower. There is a lone gentleman sitting one seat away with and empy seat in between. The race is well underway, and I comment to the gentlemen in regards to this empy seat, "imagine missing a Race like this, and how much they may have paid for that unused ticket". He explained that was his wife of 30 years seat, and that she had passed away. I, of coarse, felt terrible, gave my condolences and asked him why he did not give it to a friend or family member, he said "There all at her funeral"
Why did NASCAR outlaw the Polish victory lap.... Because it was interfering with Bill Elliott's finishing of the race!
Terry Labonte returns from a trip with the guys. The little lady asks, "How was the fishing?" Terry replies, "Great. By the way, you forgot to pack my shaving cream and my deodorant." The little lady retorts "No, I didn't. They were in your tackle box."
A little boy ran away from home and a cop saw him and said "Hey little boy, what are you doing?" The little boy replied "I'm running away from home." The cop asked him "Why are you doing that?" The little boy replied "Because my dad beats me." The cops says "Oh, well get in the car and I will take you to your mother's." And the little boy says "No, no! She beats me too!" The cop says "Do you have an uncle?" "Yes but he beats me too", replied the little boy. And the cop says "Get in the car and I'll take you to your grandmother's then." The little boy says "No, no, no! My grandmother beats me also." The cop says "Well little boy, is there anywhere I can take you where nobody will beat you?" And the little boys says "Take me to live with Kyle Petty because he can't beat anybody."
Did you hear that WalMart is being sued? Seems a lady tried on an Ernie Irvan tee shirt. She hit the wall three times before she could get out of the dressing room!!
Dale Earnhardt walks up to a PEPSI machine in a casino while at a race in Las Vegas, he puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. He puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of soda pops out. He keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out. Dale Jarrett walks up behind him and says, "Can I please use the machine?" Dale says, "No way! Can't you see I'm winning?"
Friend of mine bought a used car with a Earnhardt bumper sticker on it. Being a Gordon Fan, he scraped it off and put a Dupont sticker on. Ya know, the car ran and passed better within a few minutes.
You might remember, during speedweeks, it was reported that Bill Elliott had found 12 extra horsepower and was running quite well. Ernie Elliott had done extensive work to the intake manifold to gain the power. When the reporters asked him "What did you find in the manifold?", he replied, "A black grease rag with a number 24 on it!"
Jeff Gordon is out jogging. He slips on a damp bridge, hits his head, and falls into an icy river. Three kids see it happen. They jump in and save him. When he comes to, he says, "Boys, you saved Jeff Gordon! You each deserve a reward. You name it, and I'll give it to you." The first kid says, "I'd like a ticket to Disneyland." Jeff says, "I'll take care of it personally." The second boy says, "I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbo's." Jeff says, "I'll buy them myself and give them to you." The third kid says, "I'd like a wheelchair with a built-in stereo." Jeff says, "I'll personally ... Wait a second, you're not handicapped." The kid says, "I will be when my father finds out who I saved from drowning."
Dale Jarrett quits, realizing Ford and Quality are a contradiction of terms.
Next season Dale Earnhardt is going to drive in the truck series next year? The bed is already included.
Following Earnhardts recovery from his little health mishap, Mrs. T. Earnhardt didn't want to make love for fear of injuring him. Dale called the doctor and asked if he would mind sending Teresa a note indicating it was safe to resume sex. Wanting to be helpful, the doctor agreed and said "How do you want me to address this note ?" Thinking REAL fast, Dale replied, "To Whom it May Concern:"
Jeff Gordon, Ricky Rudd and Dick Trickle are convicted of crimes, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The Gordon asks for a big stack of books. Rudd asks for his wife. And Trickle asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up Gordon's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a Doctor. It was terrific." They open up Rudd's cell. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it." They open up Trickle's cell, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
Marlin walks into the shop and both of his ears are all bandaged up. His crew member asks, "What happened to your ears?" Marlin explains, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I answered the Iron." The crew member asks, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" Marlin says, "Well, , I had to call the doctor."
Angered at what he felt was a bad call, Kenny Irwin yelled at the official, "You stink to high heaven." The official picked up a radio mic, and said that's a two lap penalty, "Can you still smell me ?"
Gordon, Earnhardt, Jarrett and Rusty were all in a spelling bee. Rusty won -- he was the only one who knew that "harass" is one word.
Don't touch me I'm not that kind of car.
What do you get when you cross Bill France with Count Dracula? - autoexec.bat
Overheard at Jiffylube 300~~ Can Mark Martin pick up any points on Jeff today ? No,,But Jeff sure could pick up a few pointers from Mark
What is the difference between the 3 car and a porcupine? On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
Three drivers flew to the race in Dover. The plane
crashed, all three died. All three noticed God up in the clouds
sitting in a chair. God wanted to know three things: Who are you?
What did you do? and What did people think of you? The first person,
Dale Jarrett, said. I was the top 5 in the points championship. I won
several races and many Ford Fans think I am great. God said, #88,
stand to my right. The next person, Mark Martin said, "I was
also in the top 5 in points also. I am very consistent and
respectable. Many of the NASCAR fans think I am great". God
said, #6 stand on my left side. The third person stood before God and
said, I am Jeff Gordon. I have won the 2 cup championships, I won 10
races this season, the WINSTON Million, I am the youngest driver to
accomplish so much so fast and many people think you are sitting in
my chair.